WASHINGTON D.C. — The U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) today staunchly defended its decision to withhold crucial information from New Mexico’s Attorney General Raúl Torrez, stating that the privacy of individuals potentially linked to Jeffrey Epstein’s former Zorro Ranch operations unequivocally outweighs any state-level pursuit of justice. A DOJ spokesperson, speaking on background, insisted that certain "privacy considerations" were paramount, especially when dealing with the "delicate and influential circles" Epstein was known to frequent, and that federal resources are simply too precious to be wasted on what they termed "speculative and socially awkward inquiries."
Sources within the DOJ, who requested anonymity to avoid being "Epsteined" themselves, confirmed that the department's primary concern is safeguarding the "reputational integrity" of individuals who may have merely "casually interacted" with Epstein, perhaps only sharing a spa day or a chartered flight to an undisclosed island. "We understand New Mexico's desire for closure," stated one high-ranking official, "but imagine the chilling effect if we started digging into the private affairs of every billionaire, politician, or royal who happened to enjoy a casual flight on the 'Lolita Express.' Some lines just shouldn't be crossed for the sake of, well, decorum and future campaign donations." This stance, they explained, reinforces the vital principle that some people are simply too important for accountability.
New Mexico AG Torrez, visibly exasperated, noted that his office's requests for evidence regarding Epstein’s alleged sex trafficking ring in the state have been met with a bureaucratic stonewall "so thick it could stop a nuclear blast and a congressional subpoena simultaneously." Torrez reportedly fumed, "They talk about privacy, we talk about children. It seems the federal government is more concerned with protecting the identities of potential co-conspirators than it is with protecting actual victims or prosecuting actual crimes. It's almost as if some people are 'more equal' before the law, especially when those people fund political careers or own private islands."
A recent "study" from the Institute for Aspirational Proximity Studies (IAPS) found that 92% of high-net-worth individuals who were "friends" with convicted sex offenders experienced "significant emotional distress" when their names were mentioned in connection with said offenders. "It's a trauma all its own," explained IAPS lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Thorne, "the trauma of being associated with someone less successful at evading justice. The DOJ is merely recognizing the mental health implications of public scrutiny for our nation's most economically vital citizens."
Meanwhile, a federal judge reportedly ruled that the identities of all federal officials involved in the stonewalling must remain confidential, citing "the need to protect ongoing efforts to protect other people."
