DENVER, CO — Colorado legislators are reportedly in the final stages of developing a groundbreaking redistricting algorithm designed to ensure optimal electoral outcomes for all currently seated politicians. Dubbed the 'Fairness Maximizer 3000,' the software aims to create district maps so perfectly balanced that incumbents will face virtually no challenge from the electorate, thus 'leveling the playing field' against the disruptive forces of democracy.

“For too long, the electoral process has been plagued by the unpredictable whims of voters,” stated State Senator Brenda Carlson (D-District 17), unveiling a complex flowchart during a press conference. “This innovative solution will finally bring stability to our political landscape, allowing elected officials to focus on governing without the constant distraction of public opinion or, frankly, elections themselves.”

Sources close to the project indicate the algorithm prioritizes factors such as 'incumbent comfort radius,' 'donor proximity,' and 'avoidance of inconvenient demographics.' A preliminary test run reportedly produced a map where every sitting legislator won their next election by a margin of at least 80%, regardless of their actual performance or platform.

“It’s about efficiency,” added Representative Mark Jensen (R-District 42). “Why waste taxpayer money on competitive races when we can simply codify the will of the people — which, of course, is for us to remain in power indefinitely?” The proposal is expected to pass with overwhelming bipartisan support, ensuring a future where the only suspense in Colorado politics will be who gets the corner office.