LONDON – Amid escalating fears of a Reform Party electoral victory triggering the formal dissolution of the United Kingdom, leaders from Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland have reportedly begun preliminary discussions on how to carve up the remaining vestiges of the British state. Sources close to the clandestine meetings indicate that initial talks have veered sharply away from constitutional law, instead focusing on the surprisingly complex logistics of dividing ceremonial silverware and who gets custody of the Royal Family’s social media accounts.
A leaked memo, humorously titled “Project Brexit 2: Electric Boogaloo, But Irish This Time,” detailed heated arguments over the ownership of Stonehenge (claimed by Wales on grounds of "proximity to ancient rock formations"), Hadrian's Wall (Scotland, "because we've been trying to keep them out for centuries anyway"), and the surprisingly robust argument for Northern Ireland to inherit the entire British tea towel collection. "It's about heritage, isn't it?" remarked a senior advisor to the Scottish National Party, anonymously, while allegedly stuffing a commemorative coronation mug into their briefcase. "And frankly, the Welsh can't be trusted with anything that delicate."
Reform Party leader Nigel Farage, reached for comment, dismissed the reports as "predictable whining from the usual suspects who just want to leech off the hardworking English taxpayer." He added, "When we take power, they'll all come crawling back for our superior broadband speeds, mark my words. Though I will concede, the Palace Wi-Fi is quite spotty in the West Wing." Meanwhile, a Welsh Senedd spokesperson was overheard negotiating with a Northern Irish MP over who would be responsible for changing King Charles’s lightbulbs, should the crown estates fall under shared sovereignty.
The most contentious point, however, appears to be the future of the UK's national debt. While all parties agreed it should primarily fall to "whoever wants to keep London," an emergency session was called after a Scottish delegate proposed settling the issue via a three-way rock-paper-scissors tournament, best of seven. "It's the most fair and constitutionally sound approach," argued the delegate, who was reportedly eyeing up the opportunity to inherit the Royal Mint's vending machine.
As the discussions drag on, the fate of the once-mighty United Kingdom hangs precariously, with its potential successor states more concerned about securing the last remaining biscuits in the Downing Street pantry than drafting actual national manifestos.
