Bank of America today issued a grim market update, officially declaring the much-hyped Artificial Intelligence revolution dead after its third-quarter investment banking fees failed to spontaneously multiply into an ungodly sum. CEO Brian Moynihan reportedly announced the end of the AI era from a bunker beneath the bank's Charlotte headquarters, stating, "We saw no evidence of AI directly depositing billions into our accounts, therefore, it cannot be real or beneficial. The algorithms simply refused to self-generate IPOs for other algorithms."
Sources close to the matter indicate the bank’s internal AI, which was tasked with ‘synergizing client portfolios with future-forward algorithmic opportunities,’ largely produced spreadsheets outlining optimal lunch break times and the precise moment to short dogecoin. One particularly advanced model reportedly spent three weeks generating a single haiku about interest rate hikes, which analysts found "surprisingly poignant but ultimately unbillable." A spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being replaced by a more efficient chatbot, admitted, "We spent millions on AI solutions, and the only ROI we saw was our smart speaker occasionally ordering more printer toner. That’s not a revolution; that’s just… convenient for Facilities. And frankly, our Facilities department still prefers a human."
The bank’s decision is expected to send shockwaves through Silicon Valley, with analysts now scrambling to recalibrate valuations based on 'Bank of America’s Direct Revenue Generation' as the sole metric for technological viability. Several prominent AI startups, previously valued in the billions, saw their stock plummet to "artisanal goat cheese co-op" levels. One venture capitalist, now desperately trying to pivot his 'AI-powered pet grooming' startup into 'ethical artisanal cheese boards,' lamented, "We thought AI was about innovation, solving complex problems, and maybe even self-aware sentient beings. Turns out, it was always about how much BofA could skim off the top. My bad for dreaming about progress instead of profit margins."
Investment banks across Wall Street are reportedly reassessing their own AI strategies, with many now considering a full return to traditional investment banking—which primarily involves cold calls, power lunches, and charging outrageous fees for essentially moving money from one rich person’s account to another’s. "If AI can't cut out the middleman and pay *us* for the privilege, what even is the point?" remarked a senior managing director, adjusting his bespoke suit and signaling for another $30 martini. "We don't innovate; we facilitate. And if AI isn't facilitating *our* fees, it's just a glorified calculator."
Until Artificial Intelligence figures out how to directly pay Bank of America its exorbitant fees without human intermediaries, the financial giant says it will assume the technology is merely an elaborate hoax perpetrated by coders who enjoy creating things for free, which is an inherently flawed business model.
