WASHINGTON D.C. — In a bipartisan display of raw, unfiltered fear, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon announced a joint initiative this week to curb artificial intelligence, effectively forming an unlikely alliance united by the common belief that any emergent power structure not under their direct influence poses an existential threat to humanity. The duo unveiled their "Pro-Human Assembly" to a sparse crowd, emphasizing that the biggest threat to mankind wasn't climate change or fascism, but algorithms designed by people they hadn't personally vetted.
"These tech oligarchs, with their billion-dollar algorithms, they're creating a dystopian future where the working class is replaced by lines of code and the elite control every aspect of our lives," Sanders bellowed, gesturing wildly at a PowerPoint slide featuring a Terminator robot wearing a suit. "It's simply the next iteration of the exploiters exploiting, but this time, they don't even need to pay minimum wage to the robots."
Bannon, nodding in agreement while adjusting his signature layered shirts, chimed in, "The globalists want to deconstruct everything that makes us human. They want a digital Tower of Babel where traditional values are replaced by AI-generated deepfakes of your grandmother endorsing woke pronouns. It's cultural Marxism in binary, and it must be stopped by men who understand power, not just profit." The only discernible difference in their proposed solutions was Bannon's insistence that China's AI must be destroyed in a "cold war," while Sanders suggested a "global collaborative framework" to ensure U.S. billionaires don't get *too* far ahead of China's billionaires.
Attendees noted the summit's primary success was demonstrating that when two self-appointed saviors of humanity feel their personal relevance waning, a common, abstract enemy is always a viable rallying cry. An unconfirmed report suggested the only thing the two truly agreed on was the ideal temperature for a conference room, and even then, only after extensive debate.
The event concluded with a visibly confused intern handing out "Make Humanity Great Again" hats that somehow featured both a hammer-and-sickle and a MAGA flag, perfectly encapsulating the ideological coherence of the summit. It seemed the "Pro-Human Assembly" was less about protecting people and more about ensuring two powerful men still had a new boogeyman to yell at.
