PHOENIX, AZ — Arizona State Senate President Warren Peterson announced today that he has fully complied with a subpoena seeking records from the state's widely criticized 2020 election review in Maricopa County. Peterson confirmed that all relevant documents were either never created, digitally purged, or ceremoniously composted months ago, in line with what he termed 'standard operational procedure for inconvenient truths.'

“We believe in complete transparency, which is why we ensure no paper trail exists to confuse the public,” Peterson stated in a press conference held next to an industrial-grade paper shredder. “Every single record requested, from internal communications to the precise methodology of the ‘ballot inspection by black light’ phase, has been meticulously handled. By 'handled,' of course, I mean rendered utterly unrecoverable.”

Sources close to the Senate President, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being 'meticulously handled,' suggested that the compliance process involved a team of highly trained interns and a very large bonfire. “It was less about finding documents and more about confirming their non-existence,” explained former legislative aide, Brenda Pinter. “Honestly, the hardest part was keeping a straight face when we told the subpoena server we’d be right back with the files.”

Peterson concluded by assuring the public that this level of compliance guarantees the integrity of future election reviews, which he anticipates will also yield no discoverable records.