WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. Travel Association formally pleaded with Congress today to consider ceasing the legislative and budgetary maneuvers that directly contribute to the nation’s crumbling air travel infrastructure and the daily purgatory known as airport security. The unprecedented request marks the first time a major industry group has openly identified the problem as the lawmakers themselves.
Speaking from a press conference held outside a simulated TSA checkpoint that featured a 45-minute wait to enter the press conference itself, association CEO Bartholomew "Barty" Finch confirmed the obvious. "For years, we've carefully crafted reports outlining how underfunding, policy ping-pong, and last-minute partisan riders to essential legislation have led to screeners leaving in droves, antiquated equipment, and a general atmosphere of bewildered rage at checkpoints," Finch stated, adjusting his travel pillow. He cited recent statistics from the Hambry Institute for Completely Made-Up But Plausible Numbers, indicating a 27% increase in pre-flight anxiety-induced stress eating and a 34% rise in travelers accidentally leaving their shoes at the security scanner, necessitating urgent trips to airport gift shops for emergency footwear. "Today, we're just going to say it: you guys are doing this. Stop doing this. Please. We're begging you. Our members' Q3 profit margins are starting to look like the average domestic flight delay."
Congressional reaction was reportedly mixed, with several members expressing genuine surprise. "Wait, so when we defunded the 'Enhanced Pat-Down Empathy Training Initiative' last year, that somehow made people *angrier*?" questioned Rep. Mildred 'Millie' Piffle (R-Ohio), a ranking member of the House Subcommittee on Aeronautical Gridlock. "I thought it was just a smart way to save the taxpayers $17.3 million while ensuring greater fiscal discipline in the essential passenger screening protocols."
An anonymous Senate aide suggested the request, while "quaint," misunderstood the legislative process. "It's not about fixing things; it's about being seen to *care* about fixing things," the aide explained, requesting anonymity while scrolling through job listings for a lobbying firm specializing in airport lounge access. "The public wants to know we're actively engaged in a bipartisan effort to form a committee that will eventually draft a bill to study the possibility of a task force investigating the feasibility of addressing airport delays."
Industry analysts are now closely watching to see if Congress will agree to the radical new proposal of simply not making things worse.
