KABUL – The interim government today announced a sweeping ban on smartphones across all public service sectors, including military and police, citing an urgent need to curb "spontaneous inconvenient documentation" that has, in recent years, threatened the official narrative. Officials stated the proliferation of handheld devices was creating an unmanageable volume of unvetted, raw visual data, often captured by untrained citizens who lack the proper governmental perspective on events. The decree, issued through a newly formed Ministry for Ocular Oversight, emphasized that such grassroots visual records often fail to adequately convey the nuanced prosperity and profound stability currently enjoyed by the nation.
"We are simply streamlining the visual experience for our citizens," stated government spokesperson Qasim Al-Hambry, while dramatically sweeping his hand across an empty desk to illustrate the desired informational vacuum. "Too much unfiltered reality can be disorienting. Our people deserve a consistent, government-approved worldview, free from the distractions of what their own eyes might otherwise observe or, worse, capture on video and then share with someone else." He reiterated that genuine national progress is best understood through official announcements, not through grainy, shaky footage of inconvenient truths.
The ban, initially targeting military and police personnel, quickly extended to healthcare and educational facilities, with rumors suggesting it will soon encompass all private citizens. "Imagine the chaos," Al-Hambry continued, his voice rising in exasperation, "if every citizen could instantly broadcast, say, a local market struggling for supplies, or a public official accidentally admitting a policy failure. The sheer administrative overhead of explaining away such independent perspectives would cripple our ability to govern efficiently. Our goal is to lighten the interpretive burden on our hardworking populace."
This measure is "not about censorship," insisted Dr. Zahir Azizi of the newly formed Institute for Reality Management and Curated Perspectives, "but about quality control. We are committed to ensuring that all visual and audio records reflect the peace, prosperity, and unwavering public support our nation genuinely enjoys, as interpreted by those best equipped to interpret it." The Institute is reportedly developing a series of government-issued, single-use disposable cameras, each pre-loaded with exactly one frame to be used only for capturing moments of officially sanctioned national pride, such as children enthusiastically sweeping streets or citizens queuing orderly for essential provisions under clear blue skies.
To further support the initiative, citizens are encouraged to practice internalizing and recalling only officially approved visual information. Public service announcements will soon begin featuring exercises designed to help individuals mentally filter out any personally observed anomalies that deviate from the state-sanctioned view of daily life. This forward-thinking approach aims to transform every citizen into a self-policing visual archivist, ensuring that inconvenient documentation is not only unrecorded but also unremembered.
