WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move hailed as both long overdue and suspiciously performative, the Electronic Security Association (ESA) has launched a new scholarship designed to “empower women in technology,” specifically within the security industry. The initiative aims to attract female talent to a field where, until now, women have largely been relegated to the crucial, yet often uncredited, role of being the person everyone asks to take notes.

“We’ve been scratching our heads for decades trying to figure out why women aren’t flocking to install surveillance cameras and design access control systems,” stated Brenda Holloway, a newly appointed “Diversity & Inclusion Czar” for the ESA, who was hired last Tuesday. “It turns out, a scholarship might just be the missing piece of the puzzle. Who knew?” Holloway added that the scholarship would cover “up to 10% of tuition, or a really nice pair of steel-toed boots.”

Industry veteran and CEO of Secure-All Solutions, Mark 'The Enforcer' Johnson, expressed cautious optimism. “Look, we’re all for it. As long as they understand the difference between a CAT5 and a CAT6 cable, and they don’t mind the occasional late-night call about a faulty motion sensor, they’re welcome,” Johnson said, adjusting his tie. “We’ve even installed a separate, slightly smaller, bathroom on the third floor.”

Critics, however, point out that the scholarship does little to address the systemic issues that make the security tech sector a challenging environment for women, such as the persistent belief that a woman’s primary skill is making coffee that isn’t “too weak.” The ESA hopes the scholarship will at least inspire one woman to apply, thereby fulfilling their annual quota for performative gestures.