LOS ANGELES, CA – In a move lauded by focus groups comprised exclusively of goldfish and caffeinated toddlers, major streaming services have begun retroactively editing classic television series to better suit the attention spans of modern audiences. Industry insiders confirm that beloved shows are being recut to remove anything that might be perceived as 'slow,' 'nuanced,' or 'requiring more than three consecutive brain cells to process.'

Sources close to the initiative, who spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid being labeled 'boomers,' revealed that entire plotlines from shows like *The X-Files* are being condensed into jump-cut montages set to royalty-free trap music. "We found that anything over 15 seconds without a dramatic zoom or a reaction shot of a dog just wasn't holding engagement," explained 'Content Optimization Specialist' Chad Brosef, speaking from a standing desk made of reclaimed cryptocurrency mining rigs. "Our data shows that viewers prefer a constant dopamine drip, not, you know, character development."

The new guidelines reportedly include mandates to replace lengthy dialogue scenes with text overlays summarizing the conversation, and to ensure every episode features at least one 'satisfying' visual ASMR moment, such as a perfectly peeled orange or a hydraulic press crushing a bowling ball. "We're not ruining art; we're future-proofing it," Brosef insisted, adjusting his backward baseball cap. "Soon, people won't even know what a 'pacing issue' is. They'll just know they're entertained, briefly."

Critics argue that this approach fundamentally misunderstands the appeal of narrative storytelling, but streaming executives remain unfazed. Their next project: a four-second edit of *War and Peace* that highlights only the explosions.