MEMPHIS, TN — In a stunning reversal of long-held assumptions, researchers at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital have unveiled an algorithm confirming that DNA and its associated proteins operate in a three-dimensional space, rather than the previously imagined flat, linear arrangement. The revelation has sent shockwaves through the scientific community, with many labs now scrambling to purchase 3D glasses.

The new algorithm, whimsically named BOUQUET, was developed to map 'super-enhancers' — regions of DNA that control gene expression — in their actual spatial configuration. "For years, we've been looking at the genome like it was a blueprint tacked to a wall," explained lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Reed, wiping a tear from her eye. "It turns out, it's more like a crumpled-up blueprint inside a very small, very important ball. Who knew?"

Critics are questioning why it took a sophisticated machine learning program to deduce what many kindergarteners grasp about physical objects. "It's a bit like inventing a supercomputer to confirm that the Earth is, in fact, round," commented Dr. Miles Corbin, a theoretical biologist from MIT. "But hey, at least now we have a fancy acronym for it."

Future research is expected to investigate whether human thoughts also occur in three dimensions, or if our consciousness remains stubbornly planar.