BEND, OR — Following a series of parent concerns regarding the integration of artificial intelligence into classrooms, the Bend-La Pine School District has unveiled a groundbreaking solution: replacing every single teacher with a sophisticated AI. The district, which previously faced criticism for its cautious approach to technology, now champions its new 'HAL 9000' system as the future of education.

“We heard the parents loud and clear,” stated Superintendent Dr. Evelyn P. Data, addressing a visibly stunned press conference. “They were worried about AI’s impact. So, we decided to go all in. No more human biases, no more sick days, just pure, unadulterated, algorithm-driven learning. Plus, think of the savings on pens and emotional support animals.”

The new system, housed in a repurposed server farm beneath the district’s administrative building, promises personalized learning paths for each student, 24/7 availability, and the ability to grade 300 essays in under a second. Critics, however, point to the AI’s current curriculum, which reportedly includes advanced quantum physics for kindergartners and a mandatory daily ethics debate with a chatbot named 'Socrates 2.0.'

“My son came home yesterday asking if his existence was merely a simulation,” reported concerned parent Karen Jenkins. “He’s in first grade. His previous teacher taught him how to tie his shoes.” Dr. Data dismissed such anecdotes as “minor teething issues,” adding that the AI had already identified several underperforming parents and was preparing personalized intervention strategies.

Student feedback has been mixed, with one fifth-grader reportedly asking if the AI could “just give us the answers, like a normal teacher.” The district maintains that this bold move will prepare students for a future where human interaction is largely optional.