WASHINGTON D.C. — Long-standing television pundit Chet Remington announced today that the so-called 'data' contradicting his on-air assertions is merely a sophisticated psychological operation designed by shadowy forces to erode public trust in his unshakeable convictions. Remington, known for his unwavering confidence regardless of evidence, stated that these 'numbers and charts' are a direct attack on the American spirit of believing whatever sounds good.

“Every time I say something, and then some ‘expert’ comes out with ‘statistics’ or ‘historical records,’ it’s clear they’re just trying to confuse people,” Remington explained during his primetime segment, gesturing emphatically at a graphic displaying his own face. “They want you to think critically, to compare and contrast, to do research. That’s not patriotism; that’s homework, and frankly, it’s un-American.”

Dr. Factual McTruth, a spokesperson for the newly formed 'Coalition for Basic Arithmetic,' expressed mild concern. “While we appreciate Mr. Remington’s commitment to narrative consistency, our preliminary findings suggest that 2 + 2 still equals 4, even when it’s inconvenient for a talking point.” McTruth added that their organization is exploring ways to make facts less 'threatening' to certain media personalities.

Remington’s network, OAN (Opinion and Narrative), issued a statement supporting their star, noting that “our viewers come to us for truth, not for things that are technically true.” The network plans to introduce a new segment called 'Fact-Adjacent News,' where inconvenient data will be presented as 'alternative perspectives' from 'less reliable sources.'

Sources close to Remington indicate he is currently developing a proprietary algorithm that automatically adjusts reality to align with his previous statements.