ROME — New archaeological findings in Rome's Ostiense necropolis indicate that the practice of placing iron nails on the chests of the deceased was less about warding off restless spirits and more about ensuring the departed didn't return to borrow a cup of sugar, sources close to the excavation confirmed today.

Three skeletons, dating back 1,800 years, were found with the curious metallic additions, previously theorized as a means to "protect" the living from the dead. However, Dr. Valeria Rossi, lead archaeologist for the Roman Heritage Institute, suggested a more mundane, yet profoundly relatable, explanation. "Our preliminary analysis of accompanying grave goods—or lack thereof—suggests a strong desire for the deceased to simply stay put and not bother anyone," Rossi stated, adjusting her fedora. "It seems the Romans were just as fed up with their neighbors as we are today."

Further research into ancient Roman texts, including a recently unearthed papyrus fragment titled '10 Ways to Ensure Your Great Aunt Mildred Doesn't Haunt Your Toga Party,' supports the theory. The document details various methods for encouraging eternal rest, with 'strategically placed iron' being a recurring theme. "It's less about evil spirits and more about the universal human desire for peace and quiet," explained historical sociologist Dr. Marcus Thorne. "Imagine the horror of your deceased uncle showing up to complain about the afterlife's Wi-Fi signal. These nails were essentially ancient 'Do Not Disturb' signs."

Critics argue the interpretation trivializes complex ancient beliefs. However, Thorne countered, "Sometimes, the simplest explanation is the most accurate. Nobody wants a zombie asking for their lawnmower back." The findings are expected to reshape our understanding of ancient Roman social dynamics, particularly their commitment to personal space, even in death.