BOSTON, MA – The Suffolk County District Attorney’s office announced Monday they would be dropping domestic assault and battery charges against New England Patriots defensive lineman Christian Barmore, confirming that charges against high-earning, publicly adored athletes are less like legal mandates and more like aspirational goals.

“While we initially believed we had a case, the complexities of prosecuting someone who can bench press a small car and earns more in a week than most people do in a year proved insurmountable,” stated District Attorney Evelyn Hayes in a press conference. “It turns out, proving things in court is quite challenging when the defendant has a team of lawyers whose hourly rates could fund a small nation’s legal aid budget.”

The DA’s office clarified that the decision was not an admission of Barmore’s innocence, but rather a pragmatic acknowledgment of the justice system’s inherent limitations when faced with significant financial and public relations resources. “It’s less about guilt or innocence, and more about the sheer fiscal exhaustion of trying to get a jury to convict a man they just saw score a touchdown on Sunday,” added ADA Mark Jenkins, visibly deflated.

Sources close to the prosecution, speaking anonymously, indicated that the office is now considering a new policy where charges against individuals earning over $10 million annually are automatically filed as 'strongly worded suggestions' rather than indictments.

The Patriots organization released a statement expressing their unwavering support for the legal system’s ability to discern when it’s simply not worth the trouble.