WASHINGTON D.C. — The U.S. Army today announced a groundbreaking new initiative to develop 'emotional support' robots capable of evacuating wounded soldiers, clearing minefields, and, most critically, absorbing enemy fire. The program aims to provide troops with companions specifically engineered to be expendable, thereby boosting morale by ensuring a more robust supply of targets.

“Our soldiers deserve to know that when they’re in a tough spot, there’s a loyal, unfeeling automaton ready to take a bullet for them,” stated General Braxton 'Brick' Wall, head of the Army’s Advanced Tactical Robotics Division, during a press briefing. “We’re calling them 'Battle Buddies 2.0,' because unlike their human predecessors, these models come with a built-in self-destruct sequence and an easily replaceable chassis.”

The initiative emphasizes cost-effectiveness, with designers reportedly prioritizing materials that are both lightweight and, in the words of one procurement officer, “cheap enough that we won’t cry when it gets vaporized.” Early prototypes include the 'Medic-Bot,' a wheeled unit capable of dragging a 200-pound dummy across simulated terrain, and the 'Mine-Sweeper-Bot,' which largely consists of a small motor and a prayer.

“The goal isn’t just to save lives, it’s to save budget,” added Dr. Evelyn Chen, a lead engineer on the project. “Imagine the psychological boost of knowing your robot companion is literally designed to be blown to smithereens before you are. It’s a game-changer for troop welfare.” The Pentagon anticipates a significant reduction in human trauma, largely due to the robots being the ones experiencing the trauma.