WASHINGTON D.C. – The Pentagon issued a press release today confirming that an unnamed Army soldier is “believed to be” a casualty of Operation Epic Fury, based on what sources describe as “compelling, albeit circumstantial, indicators.” The statement noted that while a body has not been definitively identified, a uniform, a pair of boots, and a strongly worded farewell note were found in close proximity to a large, smoldering crater.

“We understand the gravity of such an announcement, and we want to assure the American public that we are operating with the highest degree of bureaucratic diligence,” stated Brigadier General Evelyn Hayes, head of the Department of Operational Wording (DOW). “Our current assessment places the probability of this soldier being alive at less than 17%, which, for our purposes, crosses the threshold into ‘believed to be’ territory.”

The DOW, responsible for all military casualty notifications, clarified that the phrasing reflects a commitment to precision. “It’s about managing expectations,” Hayes explained. “We don’t want to definitively say 'deceased' only to find out they were just napping very, very deeply in an unusually destructive way.”

Experts suggest this new approach could streamline future casualty reports. “Why rush to judgment?” asked Dr. Miles Corbin, a military communications analyst. “It saves a lot of paperwork if you just wait for the soldier to show up for their next shift, or not.”