LOS ANGELES, CA — In a move hailed by statisticians and derided by anyone who has ever felt something, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has introduced the 'Emotional Impact Coefficient' (EIC), a proprietary algorithm intended to quantify a film's artistic merit without human interference. The EIC will reportedly analyze audience biometric data, critical review sentiment, and the perceived 'global resonance' of a film's themes to produce a definitive, numerical score.

“For too long, the Oscars have been plagued by the messy, unpredictable nature of human feeling,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, lead architect of the EIC and former data scientist for a major streaming platform. “Our coefficient ensures that a film’s ability to move, provoke, or simply exist will now be distilled into a single, unassailable figure. No more gut feelings, just pure, unadulterated data-driven excellence.”

Early trials have shown promising, if perplexing, results. A documentary about competitive dog grooming currently holds a higher EIC than several critically acclaimed dramas, prompting Dr. Thorne to clarify, “The algorithm doesn't care about your preconceived notions of 'art.' It cares about quantifiable emotional response. Perhaps the dog grooming film generated more micro-expressions of joy.”

Industry insiders are reportedly scrambling to understand how to 'optimize' their productions for EIC scoring, with some studios already commissioning films specifically designed to trigger specific biometric responses. The Academy hopes the EIC will usher in a new era of objective cinematic evaluation, finally bringing scientific rigor to the age-old question of 'what is good art?'