SAN FRANCISCO – A former OpenAI robotics hardware lead, Caitlin Kalinowski, has reportedly resigned from the company, citing 'principles' following the announcement of a lucrative deal with the Pentagon. Sources close to the situation indicate Kalinowski was genuinely surprised that a company developing powerful artificial intelligence might eventually find applications beyond generating whimsical cat pictures and helping college students write essays.

“I just assumed we were building Skynet purely for the betterment of humanity, or at least for optimizing ad placements,” stated a fictional former colleague, Dr. Mildred Piffle, head of Ethical Algorithm Deployment (EAD), a department reportedly dissolved in 2022. “The idea that a cutting-edge technology firm might pursue government contracts, especially in defense, was, frankly, unthinkable to many of us who joined for the free kombucha and the promise of a benevolent AI overlord.”

Kalinowski’s departure has sparked a flurry of internal memos at OpenAI, reportedly reminding employees that 'disrupting industries' often includes 'disrupting geopolitical stability.' One memo, leaked anonymously, clarified that while 'AI for Good' remains a core value, 'Good' is a highly subjective term, especially when shareholders are involved.

Industry analysts suggest this incident highlights a growing trend of tech workers discovering their employers operate in the real world, where venture capital often comes with strings attached, some of which are attached to missiles. OpenAI has yet to comment, presumably because their AI is still trying to generate a PR statement that sounds both sincere and completely devoid of accountability. The Pentagon, however, confirmed the deal is proceeding, noting that 'principles' are rarely a line item in a defense budget.