NEW YORK, NY – Following another week of rising oil prices attributed to 'mixed signals' from the Middle East, financial analysts have issued a rare moment of clarity, confirming that crude prices are, in fact, designed to increase under virtually any global circumstance. Whether it's conflict, de-escalation, or even a particularly compelling cloud formation, the market possesses an uncanny ability to interpret events as bullish.

“We’ve developed sophisticated algorithms that can translate any news, good or bad, into a reason for a price hike,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, Chief Geopolitical-Economic Interpreter for Global Energy Futures. “A war? Supply disruption, prices up. A peace treaty? Increased demand as economies stabilize, prices up. Iran letting some tankers through the Strait of Hormuz? That’s a classic ‘mixed signal’ – uncertainty, prices up. They *don't* let tankers through? Obvious supply crunch, prices up.”

Sources close to major oil corporations, who spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid sounding too pleased, noted that the industry's agility in finding these 'signals' is a testament to its innovation. “It’s about market sentiment,” explained one executive. “And our sentiment is always that oil should be more expensive. It’s a very consistent sentiment.”

Concerned consumers, meanwhile, are reportedly bracing for the inevitable price surge should the global economy experience a period of unprecedented, unwavering stability. Analysts warn that such an event could be catastrophic for their profit margins, necessitating an immediate and substantial price adjustment.