NASHVILLE, TN — Grammy-nominated artist Noah Kahan has officially downgraded the legal and moral standing of paparazzi to 'sub-human,' asserting that their existence actively infringes upon the basic human rights of musicians. The declaration, delivered via a series of impassioned Instagram stories, follows Kahan's defense of fellow artist Chappell Roan against aggressive photographers.

“Look, it’s not about privacy anymore, it’s about existential threat,” Kahan stated, according to sources close to his social media feed. “These people are, by definition, parasites. And frankly, the legal system needs to catch up to the biological reality that you can’t just let parasites roam free among the host population.”

The artist’s pronouncement has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, with many speculating on the immediate legal ramifications. “While Mr. Kahan’s sentiment is, shall we say, robust, the U.S. Constitution still technically applies to all carbon-based life forms, even those with telephoto lenses,” commented legal scholar Dr. Evelyn Reed, from the University of California, Berkeley. “Though I admit, the ‘scummy, manipulative, parasitic’ argument does make for compelling courtroom theater.”

Industry insiders suggest Kahan’s team is already drafting legislation to reclassify paparazzi as 'non-essential biological agents,' paving the way for potential re-education camps or, at minimum, mandatory sensitivity training involving interpretive dance. The move is expected to be met with fierce opposition from the National Association of Photojournalists, who are reportedly preparing a counter-suit alleging 'defamation of an entire species.'

Kahan concluded his impromptu address by urging fans to report any suspicious flash photography to local authorities, adding, “We’re not asking for much, just the right to buy a latte without it becoming a think piece.”