NEW YORK, NY — The New York Times, long a beacon of investigative journalism and Pulitzer-winning reportage, has officially unveiled a new editorial initiative: 'How To Watch.' The section, which quietly debuted with an article detailing viewing options for a specific college basketball game, is set to expand rapidly, covering everything from local city council meetings to the exact moment a neighbor's cat typically naps on the porch.

“Our readers demand comprehensive coverage,” stated Times Executive Editor Eleanor Vance, speaking from a newly installed 'Viewing Logistics Command Center' adorned with multiple screens displaying channel lineups. “And in today’s fragmented media landscape, knowing where to point your eyeballs is arguably the most critical information we can provide. We’re moving beyond 'what happened' to 'how to witness what happened, and on which app.'"

Sources within the Times newsroom, who requested anonymity to discuss the paper’s radical shift, expressed mixed feelings. “I spent months researching global supply chains for a piece that got buried,” lamented one veteran reporter. “Now I’m being asked to confirm if the regional bowling championship is on ESPN3 or a local access channel. It’s… different.”

The Times anticipates the 'How To Watch' section will become a cornerstone of its digital strategy, offering bespoke viewing guides for everything from obscure parliamentary debates in distant nations to the precise time a particular celebrity is rumored to be leaving their house. A premium subscription tier, 'Times Visionary,' is rumored to include real-time push notifications for optimal viewing angles of mundane public occurrences.

Future reports are expected to include 'How To Watch Your Paint Dry (And Which Brand Dries Best On Camera)' and 'How To Watch The Grass Grow (With Optimal Lighting Conditions).'