PALO ALTO, CA – A new study utilizing silicone wristbands has definitively proven what many suspected: humans are less biological organisms and more highly-absorbent, bipedal chemical repositories. Researchers at the Institute for Environmental Permeation announced today that the ubiquitous wristbands, designed to track exposure to 'forever chemicals' and other pollutants, consistently show individuals are soaking up a dizzying array of substances from their daily environments.

“We initially thought we’d identify specific exposure patterns,” stated lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Thorne. “Instead, we found that every single participant, from urban dwellers to rural hermits, is essentially a walking, talking biohazard kit. It’s less about what they’re exposed to, and more about what they’re *not* exposed to – which, so far, is nothing.”

The findings suggest that the average person’s internal chemical profile now rivals that of a mid-sized industrial park. “We’re seeing everything from phthalates to PFAS, flame retardants to pesticides, often in concentrations that make you wonder if people are showering in industrial runoff,” added Dr. Thorne. “The good news is, your body is incredibly efficient at integrating these foreign compounds into its very fabric. The bad news is, well, everything else.”

Future research aims to determine if humans can eventually evolve to photosynthesize microplastics, thus closing the loop on our new, improved chemical ecosystem.