WASHINGTON D.C. — A new report released today by the Center for Civic Illiteracy (CCI) indicates that a staggering 95% of American adults possess a “working knowledge” of the U.S. Constitution that consists primarily of knowing it “has amendments” and “is important, probably.” The study, which surveyed thousands of citizens across all 50 states, found that detailed understanding of the nation’s foundational document was largely absent, replaced instead by a vague sense of patriotic obligation and a strong conviction that it protects their right to complain about everything.

“We asked participants to identify basic tenets, like the three branches of government or the purpose of the Electoral College, and the responses were… creative,” stated Dr. Eleanor Vance, lead researcher for the CCI. “One respondent confidently asserted that the Constitution guarantees everyone a free large soda with any meal. Another believed the First Amendment specifically protected their right to argue with strangers on the internet about vaccine efficacy. They weren't entirely wrong on the latter, but the context was missing.”

The study highlighted a particular confusion surrounding the Bill of Rights, with many respondents conflating it with general 'rights' they felt they should have, such as the right to affordable streaming services or the right to never encounter a spoiler for a TV show. “It appears the average American views the Constitution less as a governing framework and more as a magical scroll that grants them whatever they feel entitled to at any given moment,” Dr. Vance added.

Experts suggest the findings point to a critical need for civics education, or at the very least, a mandatory annual viewing of 'Schoolhouse Rock!' for all adults. The remaining 5% of Americans who demonstrated actual constitutional knowledge were reportedly too busy correcting people online to comment on the study.