CAMBRIDGE, MA — A groundbreaking new study published by the Institute for Mundane Human Endeavors (IMHE) has definitively concluded that, despite widespread reliance on automated systems and AI-driven recommendations, the average human being retains the capacity to apply decorative coatings to their own fingernails. The findings, which surprised precisely no one, indicate a lingering spark of self-sufficiency.

“For years, the prevailing wisdom, largely propagated by lifestyle influencers and ‘content creators,’ suggested that even the simplest acts of personal grooming required a curated list of ‘ideas you’ll adore’ and often, professional assistance,” stated Dr. Eleanor Vance, lead researcher. “Our data, however, shows a remarkable resilience. People are still just… painting their nails. Sometimes even with two different colors.”

The study involved observing thousands of individuals interacting with common household items like nail polish bottles and cotton swabs. Participants were able to successfully open the bottles, apply the liquid to their nails, and even wait for it to dry, often without consulting a 12-step online tutorial. Some even reported feeling “mildly satisfied” with the outcome, a sentiment previously thought to be exclusive to spa experiences.

Critics argue the study is a waste of grant money, pointing out that everyone already knew this. However, IMHE spokesperson, Mark Jensen, defended the research: “In an era where ‘simple’ now means ‘requiring 7 apps and a subscription service,’ it’s vital to periodically confirm that humanity hasn’t completely forgotten how to do things that don’t generate ad revenue.”