WASHINGTON D.C. — A groundbreaking report released today by the Institute for Interspecies Brand Alignment (IIBA) conclusively proves that Bigfoot, the mythical ape-like creature, is in fact a staunch, flag-waving American patriot who spends an inordinate amount of time on Facebook groups dedicated to obscure constitutional amendments. The study, which analyzed over 300,000 online retail listings for 'USA Sasquatch' merchandise, found an overwhelming correlation between the availability of patriotic Bigfoot vinyl stickers and human-reported sightings of elusive cryptids.
Dr. Loretta Finch, lead researcher and director of Cryptozoological Cultural Studies at the IIBA, stated, “For too long, Bigfoot was seen as an apolitical wilderness recluse. Our data, however, indicates a silent, yet powerful, allegiance to core American values, primarily expressed through the mass consumer purchasing of his likeness emblazoned with 'Don’t Tread On Me' flags and declarations of 'Made in USA' patriotism. We believe he’s been signaling his allegiance through consumer proxy for decades, knowing full well his actual existence is debatable, but his brand power is not.”
The study suggests that Bigfoot’s mysterious nature has allowed him to transcend tribal loyalties, making him the perfect canvas for performative nationalism. “He’s the ultimate everyman,” explained Dr. Finch. “He’s never been seen, never spoken, and therefore never said anything you disagree with. He’s the blank slate upon which you can project your entire political identity, and then slap him on your truck window with a bald eagle and an AR-15.”
Local Bigfoot enthusiast and proprietor of 'Sasquatch & Stripes' decal shop, Randy 'Bigfoot' Johnson, echoed the sentiment. “I always knew he was one of us. You just feel it in your gut. He’s out there, defending freedom, probably from… well, from whatever it is he’s hiding from. Commies, most likely.” Johnson noted that his best-selling item is a Bigfoot sticker wearing a MAGA hat while holding a tiny Gadsden flag. “He’s just like us, only hairier and better at social distancing.”
Ultimately, researchers concluded that Bigfoot's undeniable patriotism is primarily manifested through humans projecting their most fervent desires onto a hairy, silent void, which, in turn, fuels a multi-million dollar vinyl sticker industry and ensures that no creature, real or imagined, can escape the crushing weight of modern American identity politics.
