The cumulative precipitation over New Jersey has officially issued a cease and desist order against the state's residents, demanding an immediate halt to what it terms 'decades of emotional abuse and incessant, unfounded complaints.' The filing, delivered via an unusually dense thundercloud over Newark, cites a pervasive culture of victimhood regarding entirely predictable atmospheric conditions.
In a statement delivered through localized barometric pressure drops, the entity, known colloquially as 'NJ Rain,' expressed particular frustration with 'the constant assumption that my existence is a personal affront to your weekend plans, outdoor weddings, or commute times.' It added, 'I'm precipitation. This is literally what I do. Do you complain when the sun shines? No, you just get sunburned and blame me for not being there to cool things down. It's a lose-lose situation for me.'
Legal counsel for the atmospheric phenomenon, retained through the prestigious firm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe, noted the rain's case is bolstered by 'billions of recorded social media posts, direct verbal complaints from car windows, and countless sighs directed skyward, all constituting a hostile environment against natural hydrological cycles.' The cease and desist specifically targets phrases like 'Why always when *I* have plans?' and 'Can't believe this weather is happening *again*,' threatening further legal action, including potential torrential downpours, prolonged periods of oppressive humidity, or strategically placed puddles, should the complaints persist. The suit also seeks damages for mental anguish caused by perpetually soggy golf courses.
A representative for the National Weather Service, speaking under anonymity due to fear of immediate saturation and potential subpoena from the aggrieved storm system, admitted the rain's grievance has significant merit. 'We issue flash flood warnings and other alerts to help people prepare, but sometimes it feels like we're just providing more ammunition for their 'woe is me' narratives,' the anonymous source stated, wiping a tear from their eye that might have just been condensation. 'It’s rain. It’s supposed to fall from the sky. We’ve been trying to tell them this for millennia, but they just look at us like we personally summoned the cumulonimbus just to ruin their barbecue, their outdoor concert, or their attempt to finally get that TikTok dance perfect on the patio.'
As a final ultimatum, NJ Rain indicated it would consider mediation if residents collectively agreed to purchase better umbrellas, stop driving like maniacs in a drizzle, and simply acknowledge that, occasionally, things get wet.
