INDIANAPOLIS – In a bold move designed to combat the unpredictable chaos of athletic competition, the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee today unveiled a revolutionary new regulation: all higher-seeded teams will now be contractually obligated to win their respective games. The groundbreaking policy, effective immediately, aims to eliminate the 'disruptive element' of upsets and ensure a more orderly progression to the Final Four.

“For too long, the sanctity of our meticulously crafted seedings has been undermined by teams that simply refused to lose when they were supposed to,” stated NCAA spokesperson Brenda Carmichael, adjusting her perfectly pressed blazer. “Fans, frankly, are tired of having their brackets ruined by some plucky underdog. We’re here to deliver what the people want: a predictable narrative where the best teams, as determined by us, always prevail.”

The new rule, dubbed the 'Bracket Integrity Initiative,' will see lower-seeded teams automatically forfeit if they manage to build a lead exceeding five points in the second half, or if their mascot is deemed 'too endearing.' Teams that somehow overcome their seeded superiors will face immediate disqualification, and their players will be required to attend a mandatory seminar on the importance of respecting the established hierarchy.

“It’s about maintaining the illusion of competition while guaranteeing the desired outcome,” explained Dr. Sheldon Pinter, a fictional sports economist from the University of Nowhere. “Think of it as professional wrestling, but with more academic eligibility requirements and slightly less glitter.”

Critics, primarily those who enjoy the concept of 'underdogs' or 'sports,' have called the move an affront to the very spirit of competition. However, the NCAA remains steadfast, confident that the public will embrace a tournament where every game feels exactly like the one before it.

In related news, betting markets have reportedly ceased all operations, citing a complete lack of challenge.