NEW YORK – The National Basketball Association announced Thursday it has awarded the Miami Heat a second-round draft pick as compensation for acquiring guard Terry Rozier, who was under federal investigation for gambling at the time of his January 2024 trade. The league clarified that the pick represents a 'standardized valuation of ethical ambiguity' in player transactions.

“We believe this reflects the true cost of doing business in a dynamic, morally flexible market,” stated NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, speaking from a newly installed 'Integrity Suite' at league headquarters. “A second-round pick is a fair exchange for the potential PR headaches, late-night calls from the FBI, and the general air of 'what did we just get ourselves into?' that such a player might bring.”

Sources close to the league’s compensation committee indicated that the valuation process involved complex algorithms factoring in potential federal charges, the player's on-court performance, and the general public's short attention span. “It’s less about the gambling itself and more about the administrative burden it creates,” explained Dr. Evelyn Thorne, a fictional league ethics consultant. “Think of it as a nuisance fee for having to pretend we’re surprised.”

The Charlotte Hornets are still reportedly awaiting their first-round pick from the same trade, which league officials say will be delivered once they confirm the player in question has not, in fact, bet on himself to win the lottery. The Heat, meanwhile, are reportedly considering using the newly acquired pick to draft a player with absolutely no social media presence, just to be safe.