LOS ANGELES – In a bold move to further captivate audiences, the National Basketball Association (NBA) has officially unveiled its 'Points Are The Only Thing That Matters' initiative, effective immediately. The announcement comes on the heels of a game where the Lakers' starting five tallied an astounding 137 points, the highest by a starting lineup in a regulation game since the 1970-71 season, largely thanks to Luka Doncic's 51-point performance.

“Frankly, we’ve been watching the numbers,” stated NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, adjusting his tie at a press conference held courtside. “And what the data tells us is that fans want to see the ball go through the hoop. A lot. Defense, while historically a component of the game, has been identified as a significant impediment to this core objective.”

Under the new guidelines, any defensive possession lasting more than three seconds without a shot attempt will result in a technical foul and a free throw for the offensive team. Furthermore, players who successfully execute a 'stop' – defined as preventing the opposing team from scoring – will be required to sit out the subsequent offensive possession. “It’s about flow, excitement, and ultimately, the sheer, unadulterated joy of watching points accumulate,” added Silver, who reportedly now carries a small, personal scoreboard wherever he goes.

League sources indicate that future rule changes may include widening the hoop, replacing basketballs with lighter, bouncier alternatives, and potentially allowing offensive players to use small trampolines for dunks. Coaches are reportedly scrambling to retrain their rosters, with many considering simply instructing players to stand still and watch the other team score, then immediately sprint to the other end of the court.

“It’s a brave new world,” remarked veteran coach Stan Van Gundy, shaking his head. “I guess my job now is just to make sure our guys can out-score the other team’s complete lack of defense.”