ARE, Sweden – In a move that surprised absolutely no one, American ski phenom Mikaela Shiffrin effortlessly glided to her 110th career World Cup victory and secured her ninth Slalom Globe at the World Cup Finals today. Sources close to the athlete indicate that her primary motivation for competing these days is to avoid awkward questions about her retirement plans.

“Honestly, I just keep showing up because it’s easier than explaining why I’m not,” Shiffrin reportedly told a bewildered intern while signing autographs. “The skis are already waxed, the hotels are booked, and frankly, the prize money is still pretty good for what amounts to a paid vacation.”

Officials at the International Ski Federation (FIS) are reportedly considering implementing a 'mercy rule' for other competitors. “It’s getting a bit demoralizing,” admitted FIS spokesperson Bjorn Jorgensen, wiping a tear from his eye. “We’re thinking of giving everyone else a 30-second head start, or perhaps just letting them compete for second place from the beginning. It would save a lot of emotional wear and tear.”

Shiffrin’s coach, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being implicated in her continued dominance, confirmed the athlete's casual approach. “She basically just rolls out of bed, stretches a bit, and then wins. We’ve tried to make it more challenging for her, like hiding her favorite energy bar or changing the course layout at the last minute, but she just seems to find a way.”

When asked about her future goals, Shiffrin reportedly shrugged and said, “Maybe I’ll try knitting. Or perhaps I’ll just keep winning until they run out of globes to give me.”