WASHINGTON D.C. — In a groundbreaking move to optimize corporate synergy and minimize interpersonal friction, human resources departments across the nation have begun requiring employees to disclose their zodiac signs. The initiative, dubbed 'Cosmic Cohesion,' seeks to proactively identify and manage potential office gossip hotbeds and ensure harmonious team dynamics based on ancient celestial alignments.

'We've seen the data,' stated Dr. Celeste Starfinder, a newly appointed 'Astrological Performance Analyst' at a major tech firm. 'Certain sun signs are simply predisposed to, shall we say, 'information dissemination.' By identifying these individuals early, we can strategically place them in roles where their natural communicative talents are channeled into, for example, internal memos, rather than speculating about Karen from accounting’s lunch choices.'

Critics argue the policy is an invasive overreach, but corporate spokespeople insist it's a necessary step in the modern workplace. 'It's no longer enough to just know if someone can use Excel,' explained HR Director Brenda Virgo, a self-proclaimed 'meticulous' Earth sign. 'We need to know if they're a Gemini who will accidentally spill the beans about the Q4 earnings, or a Scorpio who will subtly undermine a colleague's reputation. This is about data-driven people management.'

Early reports indicate a significant uptick in employees subtly changing their birthdates on company profiles, with a surprising surge in Capricorns, known for their discretion and ambition. The new policy is expected to be expanded to include moon and rising signs by next fiscal quarter, further solidifying the celestial grip on corporate culture.