WASHINGTON D.C. — A groundbreaking new report from the Culinary Institute of America’s Department of Existential Dread has confirmed what millions of Americans already suspected: the primary objective of most home cooking is not culinary excellence, but rather the avoidance of a domestic incident involving hunger, exhaustion, and a rapidly approaching bedtime.

The study, titled “The Unspoken Truths of Weeknight Meals,” analyzed thousands of online recipe comments and found a recurring theme of desperation over delight. “While food blogs promise ‘creamy, dreamy, flavor-packed’ experiences, our data indicates that most cooks would settle for ‘not burnt, vaguely palatable, and consumed without significant protest,’” stated lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Cho, wiping a smudge of what appeared to be dried tomato sauce from her glasses. “The aspiration for ‘big flavor’ is a luxury; the necessity is simply ‘food.’

One anonymous respondent, a mother of three from Ohio, perfectly encapsulated the findings: “Honestly, if it has protein and a carb and doesn’t require me to chop more than two things, it’s a win. If it’s ‘creamy sausage spaghetti,’ that’s just a bonus. If it’s ‘creamy sausage spaghetti’ that my kids actually eat, I’m calling NASA.”

The report concludes that the most successful recipes are those that prioritize speed, minimal cleanup, and the illusion of effort, rather than complex flavor profiles or artisanal ingredients. Experts now recommend that recipe developers focus on headlines like “Dinner In Under 30 Minutes (Or Your Money Back)” or “This Might Be Edible.”

In related news, a separate study found that 90% of home cooks consider a meal a success if no one cried during its preparation or consumption.