WASHINGTON D.C. — A groundbreaking new report released by the Institute for Public Engagement in Sporting Outcomes (IPESO) has sent shockwaves through the highly specific demographic of college sports enthusiasts. The study, titled 'Who Cares?,' found that a staggering 99.8% of the global population exhibited no discernible emotional response to the news that the University of Lynchburg recently 'split a doubleheader' against Salisbury University.

“We initially hypothesized a slight, almost imperceptible ripple of interest,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, lead researcher for IPESO, during a press conference attended exclusively by a local sports blogger and a bewildered pigeon. “But our data indicates a near-total void. People were more concerned with the structural integrity of their socks than with the nuances of a Division III softball or baseball outcome.”

The report detailed various metrics of public disinterest, including a 0.00001% increase in Google searches for 'Lynchburg Salisbury score' (attributed primarily to concerned parents and alumni), and a 100% failure rate for survey participants to correctly identify either institution or the sport in question. One respondent, when shown the headline, reportedly asked, 'Is Lynchburg a person or a place? And what's a doubleheader?'

“It’s a stark reminder that outside the hallowed halls of college athletic departments and the living rooms of superfans, the world continues to spin with an almost offensive disregard for our cherished rivalries,” Dr. Thorne lamented, adjusting her glasses. “Frankly, it’s a bit rude.”

IPESO plans to follow up with a study on whether anyone outside of immediate family members truly cares about your fantasy football league.