PASADENA, CA – NASA’s Star-Planet Activity Research CubeSat (SPARCS) has begun transmitting its first images of exoplanets, confirming the existence of billions of worlds with conditions suitable for supporting life. However, a preliminary analysis of interstellar communication protocols suggests that absolutely none of them are interested in hearing from Earth.

“We’ve found planets with liquid water, stable atmospheres, and even what appear to be thriving ecosystems,” announced Dr. Aris Thorne, lead astrophysicist for the SPARCS mission, from a dimly lit room at JPL. “The data is unequivocal: there are countless places out there where life could flourish. The problem, it seems, is that they’ve all collectively decided to screen our calls.”

Initial attempts to send greetings have been met with what experts describe as an “intergalactic read receipt” indicating the message was opened but immediately archived without a response. “It’s like they saw our planet’s search history and just decided to ghost us,” added Dr. Thorne, gesturing vaguely at a monitor displaying a vibrant blue-green exoplanet. “Can’t say I blame them, honestly.”

Further analysis of the exoplanetary atmospheres suggests advanced civilizations that have successfully navigated climate change, political stability, and the complete absence of reality television. This, according to Dr. Thorne, likely contributes to their reluctance to engage with a species currently debating whether the Earth is flat.

NASA officials have confirmed that while the search for habitable worlds will continue, the search for a planet willing to accept Earth’s friend request has been indefinitely postponed.