NEW YORK, NY – Major League Soccer (MLS) has issued lifetime bans to former players Yaw Yeboah and Derrick Jones after an investigation revealed they bet on MLS matches, including their own. The league’s disciplinary committee stated the bans were necessary to uphold the integrity of the sport, particularly given the players’ alleged attempts to influence game outcomes.

“It’s one thing to bet on a game you’re not involved in, but to actively participate in a match while having a financial stake in its specific outcome? That’s just poor form,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber, reportedly while adjusting his tie. “We have strict rules against players profiting from their own underperformance, which is usually reserved for contract negotiations.”

Sources close to the investigation indicated that the players’ betting patterns often coincided with suspiciously timed substitutions, missed passes, and a general lack of hustle that was initially attributed to 'creative playmaking' or 'a particularly humid evening.' One anonymous league executive admitted, “We just assumed they were having an off day. Or a string of off days. Or an entire season of off days. Turns out, it was just good business.”

The league is now reportedly exploring new technologies to monitor players’ on-field enthusiasm, including AI-powered algorithms designed to detect 'suspiciously low effort' and 'unexplained aversion to scoring goals.' Critics, however, suggest that the real issue might be the increasingly blurred lines between sports entertainment and the multi-billion dollar betting industry that now sponsors half the stadiums.