NEW YORK, NY – Major League Soccer (MLS) has issued lifetime bans to former players Yaw Yeboah and Derrick Jones, citing violations of the league's gambling policies. The bans come after an investigation revealed the players placed bets on MLS matches, including games in which they participated, raising questions about the integrity of their on-field performances.

"While we take a zero-tolerance stance on gambling, it's important to clarify that the bans are strictly for the act of betting, not for any alleged attempts to influence game outcomes," stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber in a press release that carefully avoided eye contact. "Our primary concern is ensuring that the competitive spirit of the game remains untainted by financial conflicts of interest, especially when those interests are so brazenly obvious."

Sources close to the investigation, speaking anonymously due to fear of being forced to watch an entire MLS game, suggested that the players' in-game actions were, at times, indistinguishable from a performance review designed to get them fired. "It was less 'match-fixing' and more 'match-fixing-while-simultaneously-trying-to-make-it-look-like-you're-trying-but-not-too-hard-because-you-bet-against-yourself,'" explained one official.

"We fully support the league's decision," said a spokesperson for a major sports betting platform, adding, "It's crucial to maintain the illusion of unpredictability, even when the players are actively trying to make it predictable for their own wallets. It's just bad for business when everyone knows the fix is in."

The league is now reportedly exploring new regulations that would allow players to bet on games, provided they bet *for* their own team and then try really, really hard to win.