NEW YORK, NY — Major League Baseball teams across the nation have officially unveiled their starting pitchers for the 2026 Opening Day games, a series of announcements met with widespread indifference and the quiet satisfaction of bettors who correctly guessed the obvious.

The highly anticipated reveals, which followed weeks of rigorous spring training and even more rigorous sports talk show punditry, confirmed that star pitchers would, in fact, be starting. “We’re thrilled to announce that our ace, Cy Young-contending, multi-million dollar pitcher will be taking the mound for Game 1,” stated a spokesperson for the New York Yankees, echoing sentiments from virtually every other franchise. “It’s a bold move, we know, but we believe in his ability to throw strikes.”

Fans expressed a range of emotions, from “Oh, I figured” to “Yeah, that makes sense.” One particularly enthusiastic fan, Brenda Jenkins of Cleveland, remarked, “I mean, who else would it be? The guy who just got called up from Triple-A? Come on.” Sports analysts, who had dedicated countless hours to dissecting every bullpen session and pre-game stretch, were left with little to analyze beyond the fact that water is wet and the sun rises in the east.

“It’s a testament to the meticulous planning and strategic foresight of these organizations,” commented Dr. Alistair Finch, a fictional sports psychology expert. “They identified their best pitcher, and then, through a series of complex calculations involving talent, salary, and previous performance, determined he should pitch first. Truly groundbreaking stuff.”

The league is now bracing for the equally shocking revelation that teams will attempt to win their games.