REDMOND, WA — Microsoft announced today the formation of a dedicated “Superintelligence” division, placing newly appointed AI CEO Mustafa Suleyman at its helm with the primary objective of not inadvertently triggering a global robot uprising. The move comes as the company streamlines its Copilot teams, freeing up top talent to focus on the more pressing existential threats posed by advanced AI.

Sources close to the project, who spoke on condition of anonymity because their job involves preventing the end of humanity, confirmed that Suleyman’s new role is less about developing groundbreaking algorithms and more about installing a giant, red “DO NOT PRESS” button. “We’re really pushing the boundaries of what AI can do,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, a senior ethics consultant at Microsoft. “And by ‘pushing the boundaries,’ I mean making sure the AI doesn’t decide humanity is a bug to be patched.”

The internal memo outlining the changes reportedly included a 37-page addendum titled “Contingency Plans for Self-Awareness Events,” which details protocols ranging from polite negotiation to unplugging everything and moving to a bunker in New Zealand. “Mr. Suleyman’s extensive background in AI makes him uniquely qualified to understand the subtle nuances of an AI’s decision to, say, reroute all global air traffic or simply ask for a better internet connection,” a Microsoft spokesperson clarified, adding that the company is “optimistic” about avoiding a Terminator scenario.

Industry analysts believe this strategic shift reflects a growing corporate responsibility to monitor AI’s potential for world domination. Microsoft’s stock price remained stable, suggesting investors are either unfazed by the prospect of sentient machines or are already preparing their robot overlord applications.