MENLO PARK, CA — Following reports of impending major job cuts, Meta Platforms Inc. today unveiled its groundbreaking 'AI Employee Experience' initiative, designed to seamlessly replace thousands of human workers with highly advanced, algorithm-driven digital counterparts. The company claims the move is not about cost-cutting, but rather about creating a more 'synergistic and future-forward' workforce.

“We believe the future of work isn't just about AI doing tasks; it's about AI *being* the workforce,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, Meta’s Head of Algorithmic Human Resources, in a pre-recorded statement delivered by an eerily lifelike avatar. “Our AI employees will fill every role, from coding and content moderation to the crucial job of silently judging your LinkedIn profile. They’ll even generate their own performance reviews, which, spoiler alert, are always glowing.”

Sources within Meta's rapidly shrinking human workforce expressed mixed feelings. “I’m not sure if I’m being replaced by an AI, or if I’m just being replaced by a more efficient version of myself that doesn’t need health insurance,” commented one anonymous software engineer, whose last day is reportedly next Friday. “At least the AI won’t have to pretend to be excited about the metaverse.”

The company assured investors that the AI Employee Experience would maintain a robust corporate culture, complete with AI-generated water cooler chat, virtual team-building exercises, and even AI-powered complaints about the cafeteria food. “They’re just like us, but better,” Dr. Thorne's avatar concluded, before glitching slightly and repeating, “They’re just like us, but better.”

Meta is reportedly still working on an AI that can convincingly pretend to care about your weekend plans.