AUGUSTA, ME – Governor Janet Mills has unveiled a groundbreaking proposal to establish a permanent, dedicated fund for crime victims, signaling a strategic shift from preventing crime to efficiently managing its aftermath. The move, included in her latest budget package, acknowledges that crime, much like tourism or lobster fishing, has become a consistent and predictable feature of the Maine landscape.

“For too long, we’ve treated crime as an anomaly, a temporary setback,” stated a spokesperson for the Governor’s office, Brenda Holloway. “But the data clearly shows it’s a robust, year-round industry. This fund simply recognizes that reality and ensures our victim support infrastructure is as resilient as the criminal element it serves.”

Critics, primarily those still clinging to the quaint notion of a crime-free society, have questioned the long-term implications. However, proponents argue the fund will reduce the administrative burden of seeking ad-hoc appropriations every time a citizen is, for example, relieved of their copper piping or their sense of security.

Dr. Elias Thorne, a fictional economist from the University of Southern Maine, weighed in, “From a purely fiscal perspective, crime generates a steady stream of legal fees, insurance claims, and property replacement costs. It’s a significant, albeit dark, GDP contributor. Establishing a permanent victim fund is simply good accounting.”

The Governor’s office confirmed that future budget proposals might include tax incentives for businesses that can prove they’ve been consistently victimized, further integrating the “crime sector” into Maine’s economic planning.

Maine residents can now rest assured that while their property may be stolen, their emotional trauma will be reliably funded. The state is also reportedly exploring a “Crime Futures Market” to help predict future funding needs.