BATON ROUGE, LA — The state of Louisiana today announced the creation of the Department of Abstract Vigor (DAV), a groundbreaking new government body tasked with monitoring, measuring, and “judiciously reallocating” the intangible “strength” of its citizenry. Governor Beauregard T. DuMont III stated the agency's mission is to ensure equitable distribution of resilience throughout the state.

“For too long, the concept of 'strength' has been allowed to flourish unchecked in certain demographics, leading to an inequitable distribution of collective fortitude across our great state,” explained Dr. Evelyn P. Thistle, the newly appointed Director of the DAV, during a press conference held in a room specifically designed for low-impact announcements. “Our initial audits, conducted through proprietary algorithm-driven sentiment analysis of public forums and 'vigilance observation reports' from local officials, indicate pockets of excessive, almost un-Louisianan, resilience. This creates an imbalance that could, hypothetically, lead to an undue sense of self-determination or, worse, successful local initiatives that deviate from state-approved priorities. Our mandate is clear: identify and gently siphon surplus strength from designated 'high-vigor zones' before it can manifest into disruptive civic energy.”

The DAV’s operational methods, still under development and subject to “iterative public feedback cycles,” are expected to include mandatory “resilience self-assessment surveys” for all adult residents and a pilot program where citizens can apply for “Strength Reclamation Permits” if they feel their personal fortitude has dipped below acceptable state-mandated levels, as determined by the DAV's proprietary “Psychic Index Score.” Furthermore, businesses found to be fostering “undue mental hardiness” amongst their employees may face administrative penalties. Critics, however, suggest the new department is merely a bureaucratic pretext for targeting specific communities and suppressing dissent. “This isn't about equitable distribution,” argued community organizer Jamal Kenyatta, speaking outside the newly painted DAV headquarters, which was previously a Department of Motor Vehicles branch. “This is about making sure nobody feels strong enough to question anything that comes out of Baton Rouge. It's the psychological equivalent of draining a pool one cup at a time, but also charging the pool owner for the cups.”

Governor DuMont dismissed such accusations as “unfounded strength-shaming and anti-equitable-fortitude rhetoric.” He clarified that the DAV's primary goal is to “optimize the state's psychic infrastructure” and ensure no single group monopolizes the state's entire supply of moral fiber. “If we allow too much strength to concentrate in one area, it creates a gravitational pull that could disrupt our carefully balanced civic inertia, leading to unforeseen citizen agency,” he posited, gesturing vaguely towards a map of the state that had several red circles drawn on it, each labeled “Potential Vigor Hotspot.” “We're simply ensuring no one accidentally develops 'super-citizen' capabilities that could, for instance, spontaneously organize a successful local school board meeting without extensive state oversight.” He added that any discovered excess strength would be redirected to areas facing “critical vigor deficits,” such as the Department of Tourism's new campaign to convince people Louisiana isn't *that* hot in July.

The DAV plans to release its first “Quarterly Strength Index” by fiscal year-end, with early projections indicating a slight statewide decrease in “unsupervised grit.”