Atlanta, GA – Former Minnesota Vikings and Atlanta Falcons quarterback Kirk Cousins has been named the sole finalist for the newly created 2-wide Clipboard-Holding Consultant position, sources within the league confirmed Monday. The move comes after Cousins' brief tenure with the Falcons reportedly 'ended in a [...]' (details pending official release), leaving the veteran signal-caller seeking opportunities leveraging his highly specific on-field proficiencies.
The groundbreaking role, effective immediately, involves standing within a precisely calibrated 4.5-yard radius of designated offensive coordinators, maintaining a pristine, unobstructed view of the play sheet, and executing 'the perfect hand-off-and-retrieve cadence' for an optimal coaching experience. "This isn't just about holding a piece of laminated cardstock," explained Dr. Arlo Finnegan, 2 Director of Sideline Ergonomics. "It's about minimizing cognitive load on our play-callers, ensuring seamless information transfer, and crucially, projecting an aura of unflappable preparedness to opposing teams. Cousins' previous experience handling complex offensive schemes makes him uniquely suited to anticipate and react to the unpredictable rhythm of sideline data exchange."
Cousins' extensive professional experience in receiving and accurately transmitting play calls, combined with his 'steady, confident grip' and 'unwavering focus on peripheral data delivery systems,' reportedly set him apart from a competitive field of former water boys and aspiring assistant coaches. "We conducted a rigorous assessment, including simulated wind tunnel tests for optimal sheet stability and a proprietary 'Micro-Jolt Reflex' evaluation," stated Brenda 'Bee' Kincaid, CEO of Pro Athlete Transition Services, which assisted in the search. "Mr. Cousins consistently demonstrated an unparalleled mastery of static and dynamic item retention, scoring in the 99th percentile for 'unconscious object awareness.'"
While some industry analysts have questioned the creation of a full-time, six-figure consultant role for an activity typically performed by unpaid interns, league sources insist the position is vital for 'optimizing crucial gameday micro-logistics and maintaining peak visual information flow for leadership.' A league spokesperson, who declined to be named, added, "In today's high-stakes environment, every edge counts. We simply cannot afford a single dropped clipboard moment. This is about investing in precision."
Cousins is expected to sign a multi-year deal, reportedly including a performance bonus for 'zero dropped clipboards per season' and an option for a 'stylus attachment endorsement.' Hambry is a satire publication. All articles are works of fiction.
