WASHINGTON D.C. – A federal judge has issued a landmark ruling affirming the Federal Reserve’s constitutional right to conduct the nation’s monetary policy without the nuisance of criminal investigations, particularly when those investigations are perceived as 'political.' The decision effectively enshrines the central bank’s status as a financial black box, accessible only to those with the proper combination of insider knowledge and an unwavering belief in its benevolent omniscience.

The ruling came in response to a Department of Justice probe initiated during the previous administration, which critics alleged was a thinly veiled attempt to pressure the Fed into lowering interest rates. Judge Eleanor Vance stated in her opinion that 'the independence of the Federal Reserve is paramount, and any inquiry that could be construed as questioning its divine wisdom, however well-intentioned, must be immediately halted.' She added that allowing such probes would set a dangerous precedent, potentially leading to a public understanding of how the economy actually works.

“This is a victory for institutional integrity,” declared Dr. Sterling Gold, a senior fellow at the Institute for Unquestionable Economic Authority. “The Fed’s decisions are far too complex for the average citizen, or even elected official, to grasp. Their independence ensures they can continue to make choices that benefit... well, someone, without having to explain themselves to people who might not have a PhD in obfuscation.”

Sources close to the Federal Reserve indicated that officials were relieved. “It’s exhausting having to pretend we’re not just making it up as we go along,” said one anonymous Fed insider. “This ruling means we can get back to our important work of adjusting levers and dials based on gut feelings and the phases of the moon, undisturbed.”