TEHRAN – Iran’s sports minister, Hamid Sajjadi, announced today that the national soccer team would withdraw from upcoming international matches, including any potential World Cup appearances, citing the United States’ 'unwavering commitment to a false narrative' regarding the well-being of the nation’s Supreme Leader. The decision comes after the U.S. and Israel launched a military campaign that, according to Western media, resulted in the leader's demise.

“It is simply impossible to compete when our opponents refuse to acknowledge that our esteemed Supreme Leader is merely on an extended spiritual retreat, deeply engaged in matters of cosmic significance, and certainly not deceased,” Sajjadi stated in a press conference. “Their insistence on reporting his passing is a grave insult to our national dignity and, frankly, quite distracting for our midfielders.”

Sources close to the Iranian Football Federation confirmed that team morale has plummeted, not due to the alleged loss of their leader, but from the constant need to correct foreign journalists. “Every pre-match interview becomes a geopolitical debate,” explained team captain, Reza Ahmadi, who requested anonymity to avoid further diplomatic incidents. “We just want to kick the ball, not explain the nuances of spiritual transcendence versus conventional mortality.”

The U.S. State Department has yet to comment, presumably still trying to locate the Supreme Leader’s 'cosmic significance' retreat on Google Maps.