LOS ANGELES, CA — In a move hailed by studio accountants as “financially prudent” and by audiences as “inevitable,” major Hollywood studios have collectively declared that all upcoming film and television projects will exclusively star either Nicole Kidman or Jamie Lee Curtis, often both, and will invariably be adaptations or reboots of existing material.

The decision comes on the heels of the highly anticipated announcement that Kidman and Curtis are collaborating on a TV series based on the 'Scarpetta' novels, a project seen by industry insiders as the logical culmination of current trends. “Why even bother with new ideas or new talent?” asked studio head Brenda Chen, polishing a golden statuette. “We’ve got two perfectly good, incredibly bankable legends right here. And a library full of books, comics, and old cereal box mascots just begging to be ‘reimagined.’”

Sources close to the studios indicate that casting directors are already struggling to find enough roles for the two actresses, with some projects now considering split-screen performances or even CGI de-aging to allow them to play multiple characters within the same production. “We’re thinking Jamie Lee Curtis as the young protagonist, and Nicole Kidman as her wise, time-traveling mentor, also played by Jamie Lee Curtis,” explained one producer.

The new mandate is expected to simplify greenlighting processes and reduce the risk of audiences encountering anything truly novel. Industry analysts predict a golden age of predictable entertainment, ensuring no viewer will ever again be surprised by a plot twist or an unfamiliar face. Future projects include 'The Great Gatsby' starring Kidman as Gatsby and Curtis as Nick Carraway, and a gritty reboot of 'Scooby-Doo' with Curtis as Velma and Kidman as the entire Mystery Machine.