NEW YORK, NY – Following a week of unprecedented market volatility triggered by geopolitical tensions in the Middle East, financial experts have officially confirmed that the global economy's primary, if not sole, concern remains the price of crude oil. All other metrics, from technological innovation to human well-being, are merely supporting characters in the grand drama of petroleum futures.

“We’ve seen this movie before, countless times,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, a senior economist at the fictional 'Institute for Obvious Market Truths.' “Every time someone so much as looks at a barrel of oil funny, the entire system shudders. It’s almost as if our entire civilization is precariously balanced on a single, highly flammable commodity.” Dr. Reed noted that while economists often discuss complex indicators, the reality is far simpler: “Is oil cheap and flowing? Good. Is it not? Panic.”

Stock markets across the globe reacted to the latest geopolitical flare-up with the predictable grace of a toddler discovering gravity. Billions were wiped out, then tentatively regained, then lost again, all in direct correlation with the latest news from the Strait of Hormuz. “It’s a beautiful, terrifying dance,” commented market analyst Chad Broxton, from the trading floor. “One minute you’re buying a yacht, the next you’re wondering if you should invest in a bicycle company. All because someone sneezed near an oil rig.”

Central banks are reportedly considering replacing their complex algorithmic models with a single, dedicated Middle East news ticker and a direct hotline to OPEC. The move is expected to streamline policy decisions and save billions in data analysis, as all roads, apparently, lead to oil.