LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences today announced an unprecedented expansion of its Board of Governors, ballooning the governing body to a staggering 60 members. Industry analysts suggest the record-setting roster is designed to perfect the art of collective non-accountability, ensuring no single entity can ever truly be blamed for the Academy’s increasingly questionable decisions.
"With 60 visionary leaders at the helm, we've diversified our pathways to inaction," stated Academy spokesperson Brenda Flinch, adjusting her bespoke "Excellence in Governance" pin. "This expansion isn't just about representation; it's about optimizing our organizational structure to diffuse culpability across a broader, more robust matrix of esteemed individuals. Think of it as a strategic dispersal of blame, a truly democratic approach to buck-passing that prioritizes shared responsibility over individual error."
New additions like director Guillermo del Toro and composer Kris Bowers join returning stalwarts on a board now large enough to govern a mid-sized European principality, if that principality specialized in opaque voting procedures and self-congratulatory galas. The Academy claims this move will foster "greater perspectives and more nimble decision-making," a statement met with immediate skepticism by anyone who has ever witnessed a committee meeting of more than three people attempting to agree on a stapler color, let alone the future of global cinema.
"It's genius, really," observed an anonymous long-time Academy insider, speaking on condition of anonymity to avoid being blacklisted from every brunch in Beverly Hills. "You can’t point fingers when there are 60 of them. It's like trying to find the specific drop of water that made the bucket overflow – impossible. Now, when the next Oscar ceremony becomes a viral TikTok cringe compilation, or a truly awful film wins Best Picture, everyone can just shrug and say, 'Well, the board decided,' and disappear into the crowd. Nobody gets cancelled when everyone is responsible for nothing."
Further internal memos, exclusively obtained by Hambry, reveal proposed new governance protocols, including a "Tri-Annual Accountability Lottery" where one random board member is briefly designated as "Figurehead of Consequence" for a 24-hour period. During this brief window, they must publicly apologize for all Academy missteps, past, present, and future, before their responsibilities are seamlessly reabsorbed by the collective. The role comes with a commemorative plaque and a coupon for 15% off at the Academy gift shop.
The Academy assures stakeholders this expanded governance will lead to "more thoughtful, inclusive, and ultimately untraceable outcomes" for the future of cinema. Observers expect the next item on the 60-member board's agenda will be forming a 30-member sub-committee tasked with drafting the agenda for the 60-member board, a process likely to span the next two election cycles.
