WASHINGTON D.C. — A federal judge has ruled that Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell is not subject to subpoenas from the Justice Department, effectively granting him a unique legal status somewhere between a minor deity and a particularly well-funded ghost. The ruling, handed down Tuesday, suggests that any attempt to question Powell about his official duties would be a direct affront to the very fabric of the cosmos, or at least the U.S. financial system.

Legal experts are scrambling to interpret the implications. “This isn’t just about executive privilege; it’s about existential privilege,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, a constitutional law professor at the University of Georgetown. “The judge’s reasoning implies that Mr. Powell’s decisions are so inherently complex and vital that mere human inquiry could cause the global economy to spontaneously combust. It’s less a legal precedent and more a theological declaration.”

The Justice Department, reportedly baffled, issued a statement confirming they are “reviewing the decision to ascertain if we are still, in fact, a functioning branch of government.” Sources close to the investigation, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of accidentally summoning a market correction, suggested the DOJ had merely wanted to ask Powell about the Fed’s recent interest rate hikes and whether he’d considered a career in competitive poker.

Meanwhile, Powell’s office released a terse, one-sentence statement: “The Chairman remains focused on his sacred duty to guide the nation’s monetary policy, undisturbed by the petty squabbles of mortals.” The statement was reportedly delivered telepathically to a single, trembling intern.