WASHINGTON D.C. — Medical researchers and public health officials are reportedly stunned by new data confirming that the primary precursor to death in the United States remains the act of living. The groundbreaking, yet somehow obvious, findings have prompted calls for increased funding into the 'Life-Death Transition' phenomenon.

“For years, we’ve focused on specific ailments, but this report clearly shows that the overarching risk factor for mortality is, in fact, having been born,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, lead author of the study from the National Institute of Existential Health. “It’s a paradigm shift. We’re talking about a 100% correlation here. Every single person who has died was, at one point, alive.”

Critics, however, suggest the report merely confirms what many have long suspected. “I could have told them that for free,” commented local cynic Barry Jenkins, 67, from his porch in Ohio. “You live, you die. It’s not exactly rocket science, is it? What are they going to do, cure life?”

The study, which analyzed billions of data points across several centuries, found that interventions aimed at prolonging life only delay the inevitable, rather than preventing it. “While we’ve made incredible strides in treating various conditions, the fundamental vulnerability of being a living organism remains our biggest challenge,” Dr. Reed added, noting that even with advanced medical care, the 'alive' state eventually gives way to the 'not-alive' state.

Policy makers are now debating whether to allocate billions towards a national initiative to study 'pre-death' conditions, or simply accept the findings and move on. The report concludes that while being alive is undeniably dangerous, it is currently the only known prerequisite for experiencing pizza.